


Bridges Burnt, Built Again

by jihwannaone (hongpikachu)



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-breakup, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 01:26:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17336057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongpikachu/pseuds/jihwannaone
Summary: Minhyun looks back on the memories of his one and only relationship.





	Bridges Burnt, Built Again

**Author's Note:**

> song: Nell - The Day Before

_At first, it was really hard_

_I couldn’t acknowledge it, so it was torturous_

_But after I accepted it_

_Now it’s just so sad_

Sunday mornings were ideal for Minhyun, with the mixed scent of brewed coffee and toasted bread filling the small space, preparing his to-do checklist for the day as a mellow acoustic music was played on the background. He usually had control in his life, so he was startled with the discomfort as something sentimental played. It was too early for such sad vibes, and yet here he is frozen as the song starts with a small familiar drumming beat followed by the melody of piano and acoustic guitar.

 

\--

 

_The serene melody takes him back to the first snow of 2018. He remembers the scent of freshly baked waffles and the hint of cinnamon and peppermint in the warm latte against his hands. He takes an occasional glance of his phone, screen already set to Kakaotalk to see if he receives any message (even though he will still be notified via ringtone). There were numerous unread messages from his friends, and one from his professor who sent a reminder about his finals project but that one is the least of his concerns._

_Tinkling bell sounds filled the room and his eyes light up at the sight of familiar droopy eyes and lean built, bundled up in a thick padding with horizontal bumps that makes him look like a cute clumped rice cake. There were small shreds of snow on the top of his dark brown hair and somehow the sight makes Minhyun smile._

_“Did you wait long?” Jaehwan asks while pulling down the scarf on his neck, rubbing his palms while his body adjusts to the shift of temperature in the room. Minhyun doesn’t hesitate to take the other’s freezing hands on his mitten-clad ones. “You forgot your mittens.” He says as he takes a look into his lover’s eyes, getting lost in them once more. The sensation of unfamiliarity made his stomach churn. Something was different, and yet everything looks the same._

_“Minhyun, I won’t be staying for too long. I just need to tell you…”_

_Somehow the room felt like it was shrinking, the people and background fading into a blur. It felt like the cold he held from Jaehwan’s hands transferred to his own, and he lets go of the other’s palm._

_He’s already predicted the next words that would come out._

_“These two years have been amazing, and I know it’s too sudden, but I’ve thought of it a lot. I’m breaking up with you. I’m sorry.”_

 

\--

 

It wasn’t December but Minhyun felt like adding a hint of cinnamon to his cup of latte, pairing it with his simple buttered toast for breakfast.

 

If this was him a year ago, he would have already stared into his mug as his vision slowly gets blurred with his tears. But today, he seems to be accustomed to the pain that’s supposed to be there. He doesn’t call it moving on just yet, because the empty feeling still remains inside him.

 

Maybe it was solely just letting go.

 

 

_Actually, it’s like this_

_What use is it to hold onto something scattering?_

_Only the heart would hurt more_

_But I wonder, what’s the purpose of living like this?_

It has been a week since Minhyun touched the attic, so he didn’t know what to expect when he decided today to have it cleaned and organized. There was already a thin layer of dust collecting on top of some of the boxes and a cobweb or two on the corners. It wasn’t as dirty as most attics, but to Minhyun it was already dirty enough. He starts by setting up the wireless vacuum cleaner and sets it free inside the room, watching it proudly like a dog owner would after seeing their pup play in an open field.

 

The first thing he went to was the cleaner area, dusting it off so that he can place the boxes there later on. When he finished, he proceeded to start with one of the boxes, but he stopped midway as he sees something peek from underneath a box. It was the only thing that wasn’t placed in a container, so he got startled and curiosity got the best of him.

 

In front of him was a picture of two boys with bright smiles, arms slung over each other’s shoulders. The taller one had pointed eyes and light brown hair, his eyes full of light as he looks at the shorter boy beside him, whose cheeks were full and eyes droopy, smiling at the camera as if they didn’t have any cares in the world.

 

“Jaehwan…”

 

Minhyun’s soft voice felt like a cry of help, maybe desperate to find Jaehwan in the picture responding to him and call out his name like how he always used to.

 

As much as he wanted to cry, there was only a heavy pressing on his chest. No tears threatened to come out. Maybe that was his body telling him to finally let go because it’s been long overdue since their break up.

 

The picture was placed face down on one of the boxes nearby, either to be forgotten or to be thrown away.

 

_August 9, 2018. Busan_

 

_Summer was one of Minhyun’s favorite seasons, so coming outside on a nice sunny summer day in his hometown was something that made him happy. The sound of crashing waves was music to his ears and the feeling of the sand against his soles felt like home._

_Beside him was Jaehwan who tried to match their footsteps. As he saw the other trying, it brought a smile to his face. “Is something on my face, hyung?” The question catches him off guard and he only notices how much he has been smiling when his cheeks felt the aftermath of it._

_“Sorry. You were being too cute.”_

_Blushing easily was one of Minhyun’s favorite things about Jaehwan. The way the other’s face and ears and even neck turn bright red when he throws a random compliment was endearing (as with everything else Jaehwan is) and so he takes the chance to hold up his camera and snap a photo._

_It was too quick for Jaehwan to protest and so he ends up reaching for the camera after the flash. It took a short while of trying to keep their balance and a lot of laughing for them to come into a conclusion. Their hair was messed up by the wind and their movements, but none paid mind._

_“Okay, I’ll delete it but let’s take a proper picture together.”_

_“Call!”_

_With the serene beach behind their backs and pleasant summer sun on top of their heads, they smiled their most genuine while Minhyun held the camera up._

_“Do y—”_

_Jaehwan planned on surprising the other with a kiss on his cheek but with Minhyun’s sudden head movement, their lips unexpectedly met, and the kiss wasn’t something they were ready for. The world seemed to stop and drag on slowly for such a short moment, and the space seems to enclose until they felt like in a vacuum, stuck in just one space fit for two people._

_“Happy birthday.”_

_It was all Jaehwan uttered and they needed no other words. Even if the sun started to scorch and the waves splash on their ankles as the tide rises, the sand sinks down a little more from the weight of their emotions and nothing else mattered except for the kiss they shared, more prepared and more passionate in their own world._

_\--_

 

_At first, I hated you a lot_

_I cried a lot too_

_But after being like that for a while_

_I wondered what in the world I was doing_

 

Minhyun has finished organizing and dusting off about five boxes and he was halfway done when he found himself squatting on the floor, rummaging through the contents of the box he was supposed to clean.

 

What greeted him was a clump of cotton and strips of torn fabric all over the box. At first it confused him, considering that he wasn’t the type of person who keeps boxes of trash that he couldn’t recycle. Below the ripped cushion, he sees a crumple of yellowed paper that piqued his interest.

 

It wasn’t ripped thankfully and so he unfolds it carefully. The creases were prominent, but the content wasn’t damaged enough. When he catches the smallest sight of the petals, he feels a lump form on his throat, yet his hands didn’t stop until he comes face to face with a painting of a sunflower with the moon in between.

 

\--

 

_Red and orange leaves crunched underneath their soles as they walk home one autumn afternoon. “How’s your project coming up, Hwan?” Minhyun asks out of the blue as he remembers how his boyfriend whined the other night because he hasn’t come up with anything to pass to his arts teacher. He didn’t need a reply to notice how dim the other’s eyes have become the moment he mentions it, so he takes Jaehwan’s hand and just led him off course._

_After a while of protest and questions, they ended up embracing the warmth of a convenience store, holding steamed buns while sitting on the high chairs facing the window outside. There was their usual comfortable silence before Jaehwan speaks, not taking his gaze off the window._

_“Hyung, if I were a flower, what do you think I would be?”_

_A silence passes them for a short while as they both get suck in thought. It was an unusual question indeed, to ask about flowers in the middle of autumn when all the plants are dying. When Minhyun glances at Jaehwan, his heart started to pound loudly when he realizes the other was already staring at him._

_“A sunflower!” Minhyun blurts out from the surprise of the situation._

_“Why?_  
  


_‘Because you surprised me and it was the first thing I thought of” was what he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to disappoint Jaehwan, who was expecting him to come up with something meaningful._

_“I, uh, think you’re bright and warm. Especially when you smile. Like a sunflower in full bloom.”_

_If given the chance, Minhyun could describe Jaehwan in every good word there is in the dictionary, stitch them to pieces into the most beautiful sentences he could make, and present it to him in poetries, in books, in calligraphy written on the ribbons on bouquets. But the moment he basks in the presence of Jaehwan being just himself, he finds all those words scattered and jumbled, letters dancing and breaking and fading into nothing but emotions that end up piling and heavy on the tip of his tongue, on the tips of his fingers._

_But he still smiles because he knows that in his small, insufficient but sincere words, he knows that his lover would still understand, and finds it to be enough. That his lacking self will always be enough for Jaehwan._

_The next week they meet once again and a canvas was pressed against his stomach and chest. The painting was covered with paper and wrapped carefully with a string._

_“You have this. It’s not much, but I kinda wouldn’t have finished this in time if it wasn’t for you.” Minhyun mirrors Jaehwan’s smile and thanks him with a walk home, their hands intertwined and hidden in view unless the people behind them intend to stare._

_The night passed on quickly and they arrived at their homes before they knew it. The first thing Minhyun did was open the painting that Jaehwan handed him and slowly he sees the yellow pointed petals coming into view. He smiles as the painting comes into view; a sunflower with the moon for its center. At the bottom right corner was a sticky note with a small message;_

_‘For Hwang Minhyun, who my world revolves around. You deserve to be where you are, my heart. Thank you.’_

_\--_

 

He runs his fingers on the painting and wondered how the paint managed to hold on so long, and how it still looks like the same beautiful masterpiece regardless of the numerous creases and folds. Perhaps it was just like how he used to hold onto his love for Jaehwan, even after the heartbreak and tears, he managed to keep loving him for so long.

 

He places the painting on the side and skims through the box contents. More ripped cloth and crumpled letters, and thankfully no shards of glass for safety. However, he stopped when he felt his finger brush against cold metal. He tries to take it out and finds himself face to face with a thin metal box with paper taped on its top.

 

_‘Open me when you’re ready to heal.’_

 

“Am I ready?” He asks with a laugh. He hasn’t been able to cry, or hurt, or feel anything bitter or painful or sad all the while he was digging through these memories, so maybe he really was ready. Without much thought and pushing aside all doubt, he opens the box.

 

Needles and threads, different kinds of tapes, various glues, pins, paper clips, and whatever restorative tools had managed to fit inside the smaller box and for the first time while looking through these, he feels the sting on the corners of his eyes. His tears threatened to fall, so he looks up and tries not to let his emotions get the best of him.

 

He closes the box and puts it back, leaving the crumpled sunflower out and placing it on a safe place where it wouldn’t fly off, then wiping the corners of his eyes from the tears he held back. His old self may have thought healing means patching everything up to the way they were, but he’s glad he grew up and came to his senses after leaving things in a wreck.

 

Sometimes, healing just means you accept that what’s broken can’t be restored, but you can find something to look back, reminisce, and learn.

 

\--

_How about this break up?_

_Can you withstand it?_

_Was the pain a bit less_

_Since you were ready_

\--

 

The boxes were now piled in their places and the area had less dust as before. He looks at the photograph and the crumpled painting lying on top of one of the boxes and decides to bring it to his room.

 

Somehow the air outside the attic had a new vibe to it, somewhat heavier than what he breathed in before he visited his attic. It may have been because of the background music that kept on playing, an acoustic melody but with lyrics that hit his heart.

 

Without really thinking much, he gets his phone and finds himself scanning the pictures on his phone gallery, scrolling through countless pictures of himself, his family, the good food from the café, memories he’s made with friends, but none of them had any traces of Jaehwan.

 

There was the clenching of his chest that he waited for and this time he doesn’t stop himself from crying his heart out, considering that nobody’s around to see him in his room anyway. The emotions that he thought he’s cried out for months have reduced into nothing but plain longing for the happy past, but it was really different to confront a former lover whose face you haven’t seen for a long while, even if it’s just in mere photographs.

 

And now Minhyun doesn’t know if he directs all these negative emotions to Jaehwan, who left him with so much questions and without closure one night, for ending everything without giving him a chance to at least have an attempt at saving. A part of him also wants to direct everything to himself; maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe he hasn’t shown how much he really loves Jaehwan, maybe he did something wrong. But all of these are questions he can only ask still photographs and hidden photo albums with memories that were last revisited since a year or two ago.

 

_How about love? Is it doable again?_

 

The question lingers once he has calmed down from his crying. He’s considered dating apps, finding someone on Facebook or Instagram, blind date recommendations from his sister, anything to get him back on his feet again and give love another shot.

 

They say first love never dies, but when your first love leaves you, it’s considered as dying already, isn’t it?

 

However, all that has changed when he takes another look at the memories left by Jaehwan, memories that he’s been keeping to himself all this time, repressed in the deepest parts where he wouldn’t bother checking until he forgets, only to remember everything again.

 

He looks at Jaehwan once more in the photographs and the answer comes to him as naturally as breathing.

 

_Actually, I’m like this…_

_I’m just afraid._

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to sincerely thanks the When Dusk Arrives team who has helped in making this webzine launching possible. I'm also thankful to the minhwan stans who have been nothing but the warmest and friendliest family to me, thank you for inspiring and encouraging me to write despite my busy schedule and many slumps and shortcomings as a fic writer. 
> 
> also, to the contributors to this minhwan event, thank you so much for sharing your content with us! i hope to see you in the succeeding volumes with more amazing content~ 
> 
> thank you as well if you have been reading up until here. please look forward to the second volume and maybe, just maybe, you'll see jaehwan's POV of this ;) 
> 
> don't forget to leave a kudos and/or comment for your suggestions and reactions ^^


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